A while ago, a friend told me that she believes all men are transactionary in the way they love others.  I thought about it for a while and came to the conclusion that this isn’t a problem specific to men- it’s an issue that can arise in any human being who loves from a place of ego rather than a place of soul.

There might be hearts that crave us only for the duration of time in which we bring them some form of pleasure- the warmth of companionship, the gleam of beauty, the softness of affection, the flattery of admiration.  When the pleasure we bring them ceases, such hearts probably forget us just as swiftly as they became intrigued.

But maybe there are also hearts that love us purely because they feel that the crossing of our paths is a Divine blessing that might never repeat itself.  Hearts that long for us, even when pleasure wanes and communication falters, because it’s the love of our essence that sparked their attachment- not the superficial lure of beauty or the fleeting allure of words, but the unique, incomparable nature of the way our souls resonated with theirs.

These are the hearts that i long to be with, that i miss, that tug at my heartstrings and leave me feeling restless for another meeting, no matter how shy i am about expressing this.  I’m terrible at being a consistent presence in peoples’ lives, but these are the names that immediately come to mind when i lift my hands to make dua… I’m so awash in adoration for them, i can’t help but talk to God about them and ask Him to reward their tenderness with His.

x r

I’ve been experiencing a strange phenomenon this year: i keep getting rishtas from men who are interested in marrying me on the condition that i stop wearing hijab.  I generally laugh it off and don’t give them a second thought… my understanding of love has nothing in common with the shallow inclinations of men who want to display a woman like a trophy.  The right love for me would be marked by soulful secrecy; by the slow, deliberate unveiling of my beauty for just one man’s gaze.

I’ll never welcome the hunger of strange men, but i will sate the man i love with beauty beyond his wildest dreams. He’ll rejoice in the pleasure of knowing that his eyes are free to roam where no other man’s eyes can, for the simple reason that he’s the companion my heart has chosen as its equal. The ecstasy of my physical form will inspire him to worship the One who made me with newfound depth and fervor… in the softness of my body and the silk of my hair, he will find infinite reasons to praise my Beloved.  

My beauty will not drive him into ruin like a curse; it will propel him toward ascension, like desire winged by purity.  I will not mesmerize him into blindness, but awaken him into new depths of seeing. Veiling is not a condemnation of desire; it is the sublime, sacred purification of it.

x r