Becoming an ‘ashiq was never a conscious choice for me… my fate was sealed the very first time i laid eyes on the ocean as a child, the beauty of the waves calling out to me with the potency of a siren. That exquisite sight enthralled me so deeply, it inspired my first lines of poetry. How could i not have fallen madly in love with the One who created it, whose presence lingered as palpably near the waves as the steady shore that tamed them?
Forgive me if my simple words hold no weight, or if my foolishness reveals me as ignorant. I didn’t come to the threshold of ‘ishq through the elegant use of reason, or the steady, systematic buildup of eloquent philosophical arguments, or by the intrinsic worthiness of a saint. He pulled me here by the reluctant strings of my rebellious heart; He drew me here through the meandering lines of my poetry; through the secrets He imparted into the deepest recesses of my soul, staining my depths with the permanence of wine. He hid within the empty spaces between each letter, between every inhale and exhale of my breath, between the timid, fluttering heartbeats within my chest.
Every time i tried to hide, He lured me back to Him with the seductive artistry of the stars on a clear winter night, the soft beauty of an autumn sunrise, the rush of rose-scented breezes at the climax of spring… He has enraptured my heart so thoroughly, my flawed, sinful senses have never beheld a beautiful thing without experiencing Him. Every day, i feel like a small child stumbling through the rocky pastures of life- but no matter how far i wander, He catches my wayward soul in His eternally outstretched hands, claiming me for Himself. And in those moments, awash in the bliss of reunion, i remember no reality but His Love and every beautiful emanation of it. I briefly forget the myth of my self, and fall in love once again with the reality of Him.
The rationalists contend that God only favors the worthy, and i wouldn’t dare disagree with them, but my own life poses a perplexing counterargument. I am inescapably mortal, deeply human, and endlessly erring- i have never been worthy, and yet, the Most Generous and Most Compassionate of all lovers has never deemed me unworthy. God chooses me again and again despite my infinity of shortcomings, and i’m thus inclined to believe that He chooses everyone; it is we who reject Him, who drown out His voice with our arrogance, cruelty, sin, and disdain; we who glance past His love in our recurring preoccupation with reason and self-importance. In a field beyond these illusions, He waits for us with the patient tenderness of a devoted lover, and laughs when we inevitably come back to Him, world-weary and confused.
This is the hidden paradox that intoxicates every ‘ashiq, the flavor of the wine that drives His lovers mad with yearning, the beauty that leaves every poet breathless… every time we believe we’ve witnessed the apex of His mercy, He unveils a new horizon drenched in ever-deepening hues of Love. We give Him a thousand reasons to turn us away and find us irredeemable, but He refuses to see us as ungenerously as we see ourselves. Could any other form of love be so endlessly kind and patient? How could i not overflow with affection, hope, and love, when my Beloved is so tender in the way He handles me? Yet how could i not be aflood with shyness, shame, and fear, when i remember how heedless i’ve been toward the One i love most?
x r
Lilac Muse 