From the very first time I opened my eyes in this world, you were there. I followed you around like a shadow, always wanting to be where you were, always wanting to do what you were doing. As I grew, you patiently taught me everything you knew- how to write, how to play every sport, how to ride a bike, how to play video games, how to dribble and shoot a basketball, how to drive. When I had nightmares as a child, I’d curl up as close to you as possible and stare at you, knowing nothing could ever hurt me as long as I had my big brother nearby.
I used to say that I would die if anything ever happened to you or Zohair, and I believed it. I couldn’t imagine a life where I’d have to live without your warm smile, your goofy teasing, your tender hugs, your hand on my cheek, your presence at my bedroom door every night, every time you came home and wanted to check in and ask if I needed anything. I still miss the way you’d narrate the entire game to yourself while playing basketball. I miss the look of childlike delight you’d get every time your favorite team won, the way you’d yell, jump up and down, and run around the house like a madman. I miss your endless notebooks full of stats, the way you’d stick your tongue out to the side a little as you wrote down your encyclopedic knowledge of every player. I miss the way your eyes would shine and you’d smile extra big after coming home from a night of playing ball with your friends, the way you’d excitedly recap the highlights of the game while I struggled to keep up. I miss sitting in your car with ESPN radio blasting, secretly turning down the volume dial every time you looked away. I miss yelling at you to slow down, I even miss grabbing onto the edge of my seat as you zipped through traffic like a Fast and Furious stunt driver.
Learning to live without you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. There’s a home video of us from South Dakota that I think about all the time. I was barely a year old, so you must have been four or five. I was toddling behind our wooden bunk bed and got stuck. I cried out for help and you and Zohair immediately jumped into action. He told you I was stuck, and in your most heroic, determined voice you said, “I’ll save her!” That was our whole life- no matter how scared, lost, sad, or uncertain I felt, you were always there to come to my rescue. The day I lost you, it felt like someone pulled the earth from under my feet; I was falling and you weren’t there to catch me anymore.
But losing you reminded me that there’s another side to loss- the side that reacquaints us with the reality of everything. When we lose what we thought we couldn’t live without, we understand that God is truly all there is. Everyone and everything we love exists on borrowed time; He alone is eternal. After you died, I recited Surah Rahman every day, as many times as it took to calm my heart. Whenever I got to verse 60, a sense of absolute relief would wash over me, no matter how sad I felt. It reminded me that if I truly loved you, I had to teach myself to see your departure into the next life as a blessing, no matter how much it hurt. Because no matter how much I wish we could’ve had more time together, no matter how badly I wish I could’ve watched you live a full, happy life, nothing in this world could ever equal what our Creator has promised for you in the afterlife. If I truly love you, how could I not accept that being near God, in a sublime place where nothing can ever hurt you and there’s only bliss and satisfaction, is better than anything I could’ve ever given you here? If I love you, how can I not thank God for welcoming you back to Him, even if it means separation for us?
The years ahead will always be bittersweet. There are days I already want to skip because of how badly it’s going to hurt when you’re not there. But I promise to always remain in love with life. You tell me this in my dreams and I carry this understanding everywhere I go: we’ll be together again someday, in a place where there are no more distances or goodbyes. My responsibility while I’m here is to live a meaningful life that pleases Him, to point the way to Him the way you always did with your kind gestures and beautiful deeds. Someday, we’ll look back and laugh at these days because they’ll feel briefer than the blink of an eye, and we won’t even remember what it was like to be apart.
Until that day, have fun balling with Mamba… I can’t wait to watch you dunk on him some day. I love you forever ❤
Lilac Muse 